PCT: CA Section M - Highway 49 to Belden (Partially Skipped)

Day 97 - 8/11/25 - Back on Trail, Three Lakes

Distance: 11 miles

Mile Start / End: 1269.6, 1281

Weather: Sunny, hot

End Location: Three Lakes

Lessons Learned: Crisis of Character

Woke up around 9 a.m. and ate honeybun and drank coffee.

Hung in the lobby until the shuttle picked me up around 11 a.m.

Instead of the driver, the guy that arranged the rides picked me up personally because he felt bad about yesterday.

KJ also decided to come along

Apparently skipping a bit of the burn scars (70 miles) seemed like a good idea to him as well.

The driver said he would take us to Quincy but since he felt bad about yesterday, relented and agreed to take us to where the trail intersects the road by Buck Lake.

Started hiking around 1:00 p.m.

I thought deeply about my actions in the past few days while I hiked.

What are the cycles that spin me?

Was I just too comfortable and in need of some self-made drama?

Or was I spiraling?

Why was I drinking and abusing substances so much…

Was I in control? Or disrespecting my body to feel like I had some control?

It was hot and the forest was mostly burn. After the bender I had over past few days, I felt terrible.

I chugged my water and hoped for the best.

Fake plastic trees don’t burn,

But these ones do.

And in their scars,

The breath of life sighs

And lives on.

A new start.

Searching for the growth

they knew before;

Will they grow higher?

Or be discouraged

by a flame

that no longer burns

I thought about my family and what they would think of my actions

And felt like a disappointment.

I was down in the dumps and exhausted.

I had wanted to go to the music festival but the shuttle canceled

I’d fucked that up as well and numbed myself in order to hike.

I was losing focus of why I was out here…

After 11 miles, I reached a lake around 7 p.m., drank some whiskey and numbed myself some more.

I set up cowboy camp on top of a damn and washed off in the gushing outlet, scrambling down boulders to get there.

The lake was rather still and murky and with my toe, this seemed like a better idea, kind of like a shower.

After I washed off, I settled in for the sunset and made dinner and drank some more.

I was having drunk and delusional thoughts as I watched the stars twinkle and whisper

The moon rose behind me and I turned onto my belly for further contemplation…

Why do I have these vices?

And why do I forget to not entertain them?

Why do I sabotage myself from getting the things I set out to achieve?

Why am I my own worst enemy?

I felt like I needed help, I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.

But I was alone and with my own poisoning thoughts, which repeated frantically and diminished my self-worth and sanity.

I wasn’t sure if I could keep going, but it was the only choice I had.

Sleep would be a good start.

I went to bed around midnight, drunk, stoned, and lost in the wilderness of my own mind.

Day 98 - 8/12/25 - into Belden

Distance: 8 miles

Mile Start / End: 1281, 1289

Weather: Sunny, high of 98°

End Location: Belden

Lessons Learned: reprieve in a sea of doubt will never prevail

Woke up briefly for sunrise.

Snoozed.

Woke up again at 8:30 a.m., hungover and in the inferno of my sleeping bag, was already sweating.

Today was going to be brutal.

Ate chocolate honeybun and Heath bar, those remind me of my mom for some reason.

Packed up quickly to avoid the heat.

Filled up water.

Left around 10 a.m., the latest I’ve left yet…

Hiked along ridgeline for a bit.

Thought again about the past few days.

When we get too comfortable, we create conflict for ourselves either inwardly or outwardly.

We self-destruct to create some semblance of control and to hopefully rise higher again.

The cycle of life

are like the seasons:

One day you spring

and the next you fall.

Helplessly hoping

it was worth it all

Hello, high, and goodbye…

But reprieve.

In a sea of doubt.

Will never prevail.

So set sail,

In uncertain winds.

And let go of the past.

To last.

Another day.

I went up to a tall rock and had a talk with myself…

I was truly having a crisis of character.

I thought the PCT would fix all of my problems.

I had set out on this journey to better myself and challenge myself.

But clearly it wasn’t my environment that was the issue, it was me.

I wanted to be better but I realized I needed to change.

The people and places around me weren’t causing me to sabotage myself, it was me and my lack of self-discipline, structure, and good habits

I climbed to the top of a cliff and surrendered.

I let go of the past and asked whoever was listening to help me better, healthy, and happy again.

I pleaded, “Please… please… please help me get through this”

As I looked out over the valleys and the trees, I received no response but faint brush of the breeze.

Then again, maybe that was a response…

I felt better, but eyes watered a bit; how could I feel so low when I was so high?

Being at the top of a mountain, I figured I might get service so turned off airplane mode.

I got a text from my dad.

He said he had found the letter I wrote in case something happened to me while on trail… funny timing

He said he wanted to smoke one of the cigars in there

I tried text him and tell him he should’ve and drank a glass of whiskey with it too

I tried calling him but the signal was too weak

I missed my family

I would have loved to talk, smoke, and drink a glass of whiskey with my dad up there

And cheers to being better

I descended that hot barren mountain and hiked down

Belden was 6 more miles away and I descended in the heat of the day, which felt like some sort of self inflicted punishment

I didn’t want to die but I certainly felt like I was hiking in dangerous conditions

Filled up water half down

Thought I was gonna pass out a few times

But didn’t, I just kept going…

I reached Belden around 2pm

The festival campers were packing up and I was somewhat surprised to still see people there

Apparently there was another extra day on Monday for the staff

Fuck, I could’ve still made it if I wasn’t such an idiot yesterday

I ordered fish and chips to go and a beer and went down to the river

After I ate, I went in the river and cooled off, finally feeling somewhat decent and cool for the first time in days

While I swimming the festival crew packed up the beach stage

I dried off and sat on the beach

A girl sitting with her feet in the water smoking a cigarette shouted, “Hey Hiker!”

“Yes?”

“Are you a hiker?”

“Yes”

“What’s your name?”

“Smurf, what’s yours?”

“Rose” she responded

She seemed friendly enough so I went over and chatted with her about the festival

She said it was amazing, probably the best one yet

…thanks for rubbing it in

She told me more about the fest and I told her a bit about the PCT, my recent crisis of character, and my moment with the mountain earlier

She was a good listener and gave me a cigarette

It was nice talking with someone about my struggles, someone who might judge me but someone I would likely never see again

So why not give her the complete and honest truth?

Another gal came over, one of her friends and we all hung out

We end up hanging in her trailer and listening to music

She favored an interesting combination of intricacies

A guy outside her trailer made us Superhero ID cards, a silly festival antic that I had never seen but people do weird things at festivals hahaha

Then went back to the river

Then to the bar to play pool and eat burgers

The time slipped away from me and it got dark

Rose and her friend went back to her trailer but I realized I had no clue where I was going to sleep

I figured I would walk back by where everyone else was camping for the fest but couldn’t make up my mind and kind of paced

My mind was less frantic but probably didn’t seem like it

“Hey are you looking for somewhere to camp?” A kind voice called out from the dark

“Yeah”

“Well there’s some spots back there or you can just camp behind my camper”

“That works” I thought

The girl was cute and went by Crystal, she had been working the festival in an EMT capacity and was glad it was finally over

She was more of a house head and this was a heavy bass fest but she still had fun

We chatted into the night and talked about life until she got too tired and went to bed

I was also exhausted and passed out without even blowing up my sleep pad

What a day… it can only get better from here